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Christ's Diary0

   In this article we discuss a recently found christian artifact of inestimable cultural value. Dr. Azil Arud from the University of Almette has been working in catacombs of Rome for twenty years exploring room by room in search for secret caches, which could possibly contain ancient relics of first christians who used to keep those dungeons as a worship place for execution of their religious rites. Three weeks ago Dr. Arud's great effort invested in this difficult and skeptically viewed enterprise finally paid him off. Dr. Arud forced his way through thorns of scorn stirred up by the majority of scientists all that time so that his steady persistence makes us think about Heinrich Schliemann, another famous enthusiast of the archeological world. 

   What's interesting about the spectacular discovery of Dr. Arud is that it was made in rather comic circumstances although we surely can't deny the fact that enormous bulk of hard work had been done prior to the finding. Having searched a big crypt Arud pinned many hopes on and once again having received no positive result, he started to jump and stamp heavily being inept to control the rage caused by indignation. What happened after Dr. Arud performed several pas could be treated as a pure misfortune if it wasn't for a "gift from the bottom" saying both figuratively and literally. The floor broke down under Arud's weight with another leap letting a deafening thunder out and a pillar of dust swallowed him up in the next moment. The whole team rushed to the opened breach and started to gaze into the hole unwillingly expecting the worse. Dozens of shouts filled the vaulted room while everyone tried to reach Dr. Arud by sound since it was impossible to see him directly after the opaque cloud of sand and ashes rose into the stifling air. Nobody answered. The time went terribly slowly as everyone made attempts to fish out some details from the underworld. As the wall of dust became more and more transparent different objects gradually came into sight of the adventurers. Finally, the whole scene appeared before them clearly and when it happened nobody could hide deep amazement. Though lying on the ground in an unnatural posture, Dr. Arud looked absolutely happy with his hands holding a batch of papers bound together by a subtle golden cover. In several hours they would know that the finding they made is probably the most remarkable one of the century. The data we have now shows Dr. Arud and his colleagues have discovered the diary of Jesus Christ.

   That what was inside of the concealed chamber was in fact a set of papyri all filled up with inscriptions in Aramic, which is currently listed among dead languages. Not everything has been translated into English by now but the specialists are currently working day & night to provide us with the full comprehensible version of what's written there as soon as possible. But even though there's still much material awaiting handling, we can already infer that what we have in front of our eyes is a number of separated notes each written by the same man rather than a single coherent text. What led us to the point that it was Jesus who owned these papers was primarily the DNA analysis conducted with the usage of the sample taken from the Shroud of Christ. It may look completely unbelievable but the genetical information from that famous sacred object fully coincided with that of the hair found between the pages of the so-called "Diary" (some scientists argue this way of naming is not quite correct supporting the opinion the finding should be titled as the "Gospel of Jehovah") . Radiocarbon dating has shown that the artifact is more than 2000 years old, which serves as one more argument "for" our suggestion concerning the authorship of the notes. Other substantial question, however, is still left unanswered. How could the Diary travel to Rome if Jesus spent his last years not so far away from Jerusalem? There are several assumptions on this  issue that vary in details but what's common in all of them is the supposition that it was one of the disciples who brought the Diary there in hope to give a push to the spreading process of Christ's teaching in the central regions of the Roman Empire. 

   Interestingly, the doctrine of the present-day christianity has not much to do with the moral core and ideas of the man who wrote the Diary keeping in mind we have no evidence to say it was someone but Jesus Christ himself. Talking about the text we should mention that right after the first extracts came out in English many talks were instigated due to contradictory and defiant nature of the notes that show an author's image hardly corresponding with the one christianity accepted and cultivated throughout the ages. By the current moment only the first and the last pages of the Diary have been decrypted. It seems rational to cite these extracts here comprehensively. The translation we provide exploits English equivalents of Aramic words and turns of speech Jesus used in his writing, many of them belong to the spoken language. Here's the opening note:

   "Dear diary. I don't know why I've decided to start telling you about things going on in my life. Do I feel like I've got something special to say or hope someone's going to read this when I am gone? Well, sometimes I do think so but these elevating moments never last long. It's highly probable I'm self-reflecting just the way everybody does and think about some very trivial shit all the time trying to make myself believe my emotional experience is somehow unique while it's actually not. Maybe everyone's destined to go through the same grey corridor of commonplaces sedating the mind with typical hypnotizing delusions. We love to be deceived. Even now when I'm trying to be absolutely honest to analyze what's up my mind I do understand I'm still making bad attempts to play a role I believe is exceptional. But there's nothing truly exceptional about a thirty years old guy who still didn't manage to deal with his early 20's crisis. Or maybe it's the way it should be? You start worrying about certain issues at some point and you never stop after that - an endless road of confusion, loneliness and lostness? Oh look, someone sounds depressive again. Whatever! Maybe I've just thought all those problems up, I still can have fun and enjoy my life! C'mon, Josh, look around! So much interesting stuff to do, you love traveling - so many places to go! From the darkness of non-existence you were brought into this world to drink it to the bottom like it's a beaker of heady wine and go away with a sexy hussy bitch named Death afterwards! Oh, I feel I'm acting again. Never mind. Dear diary, I swear I won't whine to you from now on, it's pointless. I'd better tell about my new affection. It's also new in a way I never fell in love with a guy before. I believe love is the only God and he would never make a choice whether to separate us or make us one resting on the basis of gender. His name's Judah, he's from our fraternity and I see an endless ocean in his eyes. I never doubt him and don't perceive time when we are together. This feeling's probably the only thing I can rely on in all this chaos. Although my best friend Peter says Judah will betray me for nothing as soon as he gets the chance, I don't believe him. What I do believe in, however, is that my love is eternal and I'm happy with it".

   While analyzing the very first part of the Diary we can make a conclusion regarding Christ's sexual behavior and his self-perception in general. Commonly christianity apart from some small schools doesn't accept homosexual relationships, which is considered as a heavy sin. The revealed material shows Jesus had a different view of this controversial topic and even had relationships of such kind. Moreover, his partner was Judah who's conventionally held as one of Christ's followers. Christian world reacted immediately: Ben Dicklovsky, a famous catholic church preacher who works in San Francisco published an article in a local newspaper the other day with the idea that no true faithful christian will accept Christ after this and warned parents that if they want to protect their kids from molesting influence of the Diary they'd better bring young boys to the children choir and leave them there under his care and protection. 

   Another interesting aspect of the opening note is that Jesus does look like a typical insecure and confused man many of us privately consider themselves to be rather than an all-knowing messiah. The effect grows as we look at the closing lines of the Diary, the last thing Jesus wrote is:

   "Today marks the day everything happened the way Peter predicted. Judah sold our cozy community to the authorities for thirty mother fucking pieces of silver. They came in the morning, confiscated all the high class weed from our stash and ordered me to disband our gathering once and for all so we won't be able to buzz around my place doing nothing and burning grass all day long ever again. It's sad to assume that smoking pot was the only connecting link here but what's the big deal? We all just wanted to get high! What really bothers me is the way that worm treated me. I thought we were so close, he promised to be there in time of destructive storm just as when the sea is calm and now he did this dirty trick as if there was ever nothing between us. I feel panic and I don't know what to do. Tomorrow I'm going to visit the Crucifixion music festival to dispel this gloom a bit, probably it will help".

   The last sentences are written by the hand of another man and describe how Christ actually died: "Jesus Christ, a notorious den holder and parasite died of alcoholic intoxication during the Crucifixion music show after accepting the Nasty Golgotha challenge while trying to perform the attempt. We rolled Jesus into the blanket and brought him home where I found this diary and decided to leave a sign. Sucker won't be missed".

   Having read even so little from the newly found diary of Jesus Christ, I personally thought I won't be able to comment on all the complexity of revealed historical deviations concerning the man who turned out to be the opposite to what some utterly devoted christian could have in mind. It's now obvious that at some point this character was intentionally misinterpreted for the purpose of creating a kind image but the question is what made people originally believe in this spoiled and wandered dead man as in the one who could show them the right way? My opinion here is the same as Dr. Arud has. He's already acquainted himself with the whole Diary since he's among those fortunate who understand Aramic. That's what he wrote me in the letter from the sanatorium he's currently fining himself in when I asked him the question I've stated above, I think his words would serve as a proper summarizing for this article:

   "I suppose the day we found those papyri historical justice triumphed. Now that we see real Jesus was an ordinary lost guy many of us ask how he could become an ultimate sign of grace and hope for the humanity. Now the truth can be hardly seen through the ages of distorting lies and ignorance. The choice people made many centuries ago seems to be too far from us to comprehend their motives but something still lies on the surface. I believe first christians understood the viciousness of our world and chose Jesus Christ as it's symbol assuming people have to change for better even though human nature's something that doesn't belong to the category of perfect and flawless. In this respect Jesus who once lived looks like much more honest and realistic choice than the one biblical canon draws".

 

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